There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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