in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
