He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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