Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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