why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize