I haven't been this sober since birth.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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