Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize