So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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