"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
