i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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