I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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