you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
