Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
