Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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