OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
