pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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