I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
