Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
