I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
