Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
