He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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