HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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