in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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