never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
