I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
