dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
