I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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