watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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