rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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