1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
