Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
