I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
