First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
