I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
