I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
