I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
