6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
