You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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