A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize