I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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