you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
