This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
