I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
