I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
