My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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