There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
