Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
