i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
