I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
