you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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