I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
