The maid of honor just puked.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
