someone threw a dead crab at me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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