I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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