the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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