that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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