i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
