I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
