I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
