i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize