My hand turned me down
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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