never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
