did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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