tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize