I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
