New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
